You can't hear me or see the days go by.
Slowly yet quickly are the nights sighs.
You cannot read me mind. The water
and fire in my heart ignites with you and
I in the nights mark.
What do you need for me to move forward
into the night where two worlds meet in the
fire of life. You're not in my life anymore.
Teach me to surrender I will learn I will not
ignore the water taffy hardness in the cold
dark heart unexplored.
Kathy Reyna
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Ten Years Gone: Cake Again
Ten Years Gone: Cake Again: "The past few weeks cake and all the wonderful ingredients of cake has filled my life sweetly. It seems since I've been apart from my boyfri..."
Monday, June 6, 2011
Cake Again
The past few weeks cake and all the wonderful ingredients of cake has filled my life sweetly. It seems since I've been apart from my boyfriend since moving out of our apartment and into another state I've been eating a lot of cake. Cake at weddings, leftover cake from mom and dads business parties, birthday cakes, and cake people wrap up left over from parties for you to take home cake.
I can smell the sweet stink of cake on my fingers when I wake up in the morning from eating a pice a cake at night. I can taste it before even putting it in my mouth the next morning as it sits chilled in my parents refridgerator. I can feel the stickiness between my fingers when I touch my phone dial. I can wash my hands with soap and the cakes fleshy and moist body is still on my finger tips. Sometimes I gently say no to my self from the sweet aluring sound of the cake or its attractive image in the box it comes in or the tupperware its smashed in and I think I need to rescue it from suffocating.
Lately, since I haven't been working full time, and my part time job is serving in banquet halls weddings, and showers, I've managed to pick up German chocolate cake, white cake, little cheese cakes, strawberry cake with little red pieces of strawberry fruit and my boyfriend and I have never fought this hard before not even over the opposite sex1?!?
There was large slices of carrot cake at home last week and I just assumed it was from my mothers work party and I couldn't hear the words that were coming out of her mouth to tell me where the cake came from nor can I recall today. I modeled the carrot cake slice for my facebook friends and still can feel the soft and tenderness of its moist yet fluffy and airy body filled with a light cream middle.
Just now I had to break out into laughter at just how completely insane cake has been such a large part of my month. I thought maybe it was from the turn of my boyfriend and my relationship to a long distance one. Or could it be because of the sugar rush it fills me with while I rebel against the gym that is in the city far from my little suburb home. In fact just now I had a piece of a donut from the counter by the stove after a real arguement with mom about why there has been so much cake and frosting around. It was a nasty arguement that ending ugly with one of us saying the Jim Carrey comic phrase from one of his movies, "Now don't you go dying on me now!!" to some little old lady in a wheel chair. And then " I promise I won't go dying on you either." Just truly for a brutal truth of how much care can take a toll on us. The END
I can smell the sweet stink of cake on my fingers when I wake up in the morning from eating a pice a cake at night. I can taste it before even putting it in my mouth the next morning as it sits chilled in my parents refridgerator. I can feel the stickiness between my fingers when I touch my phone dial. I can wash my hands with soap and the cakes fleshy and moist body is still on my finger tips. Sometimes I gently say no to my self from the sweet aluring sound of the cake or its attractive image in the box it comes in or the tupperware its smashed in and I think I need to rescue it from suffocating.
Lately, since I haven't been working full time, and my part time job is serving in banquet halls weddings, and showers, I've managed to pick up German chocolate cake, white cake, little cheese cakes, strawberry cake with little red pieces of strawberry fruit and my boyfriend and I have never fought this hard before not even over the opposite sex1?!?
There was large slices of carrot cake at home last week and I just assumed it was from my mothers work party and I couldn't hear the words that were coming out of her mouth to tell me where the cake came from nor can I recall today. I modeled the carrot cake slice for my facebook friends and still can feel the soft and tenderness of its moist yet fluffy and airy body filled with a light cream middle.
Just now I had to break out into laughter at just how completely insane cake has been such a large part of my month. I thought maybe it was from the turn of my boyfriend and my relationship to a long distance one. Or could it be because of the sugar rush it fills me with while I rebel against the gym that is in the city far from my little suburb home. In fact just now I had a piece of a donut from the counter by the stove after a real arguement with mom about why there has been so much cake and frosting around. It was a nasty arguement that ending ugly with one of us saying the Jim Carrey comic phrase from one of his movies, "Now don't you go dying on me now!!" to some little old lady in a wheel chair. And then " I promise I won't go dying on you either." Just truly for a brutal truth of how much care can take a toll on us. The END
Following the Rules
If I could prepare what to write ahead of time then my blogs would be more clear to readers. Bare with me if you are just reading one of my blogs for the first time because I have not written one draft or two first. I remember in school that is the way we turned in a paper even in college. I'm glad for the rough drafts and corrections because it does make a better final paper and that was satisfying.
I used to get A's and B's on my papers, and essays etc. I like to write and when I discovered blogging note pads and pens went out in the trash for the most part and if I was an organized person my blogs would be a steadfast activity. I've always loved deadlines and solo projects. Working as a team seemed to slow me down a lot and tired me out faster but I didn't let that stop me from reading books on teamwork and working my best as a team.
Serving at this weekends wedding was phenominal. The crisp hype in the air as the red and white silk clashed over the banquet room musically set the linens and silverware. The uncertainty of the crowd tonite from last weekends wedding reception put a rumbling ache in the pit of my stomach. The large airplane size fan in the kitchen blew loudly and hard as usual in the spot where the servers like to huddle.
My small styrophone cup of coffee was my only comfort that evening. Reading the nights layout plans that our manager arranged for us taped up on the larger cooler was the routine of three tables set up per server to clean, organize, and serve to while clean up duties filled the bottom of the page. That night I had bathrooms and that was fine with me since it was a chance at the end to get quiet time from the roaring dance floor vibes, and drunken laughter.
Appetizer time came along and the nerves in my stomach were clenching at all the choas in the kitchen. The cloud of the excitement brought me into the crowd with all you really need which is a smile and a few words, "Would you care for a pizza sample?" I never seen so many small appitizer trays go out that fast and as I begin to slow down matters got worse. I began to pick at the left over pine apple fresh in the left over bowl while waiting on the chefs to serve my next pizza tray to walk around with in the banquet hall. Then I became tongue-tied with the chef who has very kind eyes and a graceful manner about himself and my nerves strangled my neck and I begin picking at the potato chips they made.
Rule: No server can eat until after all the guests of each wedding is served.
I used to get A's and B's on my papers, and essays etc. I like to write and when I discovered blogging note pads and pens went out in the trash for the most part and if I was an organized person my blogs would be a steadfast activity. I've always loved deadlines and solo projects. Working as a team seemed to slow me down a lot and tired me out faster but I didn't let that stop me from reading books on teamwork and working my best as a team.
Serving at this weekends wedding was phenominal. The crisp hype in the air as the red and white silk clashed over the banquet room musically set the linens and silverware. The uncertainty of the crowd tonite from last weekends wedding reception put a rumbling ache in the pit of my stomach. The large airplane size fan in the kitchen blew loudly and hard as usual in the spot where the servers like to huddle.
My small styrophone cup of coffee was my only comfort that evening. Reading the nights layout plans that our manager arranged for us taped up on the larger cooler was the routine of three tables set up per server to clean, organize, and serve to while clean up duties filled the bottom of the page. That night I had bathrooms and that was fine with me since it was a chance at the end to get quiet time from the roaring dance floor vibes, and drunken laughter.
Appetizer time came along and the nerves in my stomach were clenching at all the choas in the kitchen. The cloud of the excitement brought me into the crowd with all you really need which is a smile and a few words, "Would you care for a pizza sample?" I never seen so many small appitizer trays go out that fast and as I begin to slow down matters got worse. I began to pick at the left over pine apple fresh in the left over bowl while waiting on the chefs to serve my next pizza tray to walk around with in the banquet hall. Then I became tongue-tied with the chef who has very kind eyes and a graceful manner about himself and my nerves strangled my neck and I begin picking at the potato chips they made.
Rule: No server can eat until after all the guests of each wedding is served.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Remorse
Remorse
By Katherine Reyna
April 13, 2010
The boundaries of actions lay within the individual. Choices can be made without preparation. Words are spilled and cannot be wiped up and forgiveness is summoned. You can throw the paint over the canvas and create. People do the same as emotions identify each other. I can give you the definition of remorse, but instead I would like to tell you that from my perspective careful corrections and or God-willing pre-caution is the meaning of remorse.
For example, remorsefulness makes you think of your actions in a condition in which you will learn from the next time rather than repeating the offense again. Remorse cannot consume you and yet it will bring upon you the actions in which you plan to make or have made already and both type of actions will declare a continuance of corrected actions. Below is a brief example article of identifying the impact of remorse:
“Sports: R. Lewis Fails to Tackle Remorse
By John Eisenberg | January 24, 2001
TAMPA, Fla. - Ray Lewis had a chance to make the rest of his life a lot easier. All he had to do was give the Super Bowl media what they wanted yesterday. A dash of humility. A pinch of remorse. A pang of regret over his role in the unsolved double homicide that occurred after last year's Super Bowl in Atlanta. He wouldn't do it. "I'm not here to please the country," Lewis said during an hour-long session with reporters at Raymond James Stadium. Too bad. It wouldn't have taken much from him to drain a lot of the emotion from a tragic, volatile issue that lacks resolution and, thus, continues to simmer, casting a shadow over Lewis' on-field magic.” The Baltimore Sun.
I would like to use the words “corrected actions” toward final advised responses based on contemplation and conduct. For example, the young sisters who are playing alone together only one room from their mother began to create conflict when the oldest sister Faith whispers to her younger sister Joy to bite her finger. Because Faith the older sister knows that Joy the younger sister follows her in all her plots and plans as they play, Faith cries out to the mother and tells on Joy for biting her finger. Joy is then scolded and was punished for biting her sisters’ finger without any remorse from Faith.
In this identification of siblings although remorse is unseen in the young Faith, it isn’t to say that as she develops in maturity that this memory of her actions will not cause her to act remorsefully later on in life for directing Joy to bite her finger just to watch her mother come over and observe the well-practiced punishments usually driven by misconduct.
A Remorse, No Pity, May 18, 1997
Federal prosecutors will be seeking the death penalty in the Unabom case. The decision, authorized by Attorney General Janet Reno, was made despite arguments that it would be an injustice to relatives who turned the suspect in.
Authorities believe that the suspect in the Unabom case, Theodore J. Kaczynski, killed 3 people and wounded 23 others by mailing bombs to apparently random targets from 1978 to 1995.
Prosecutors in New Jersey and California in virtually identical language said the penalty was justified because the defendant had intentionally and methodically killed and maimed people, shown no remorse and had ''a low potential for rehabilitation.'' New York Times.
I believe that remorse in this situation will bring Faith to apologize and tell the family what she had done that day years ago as children. Is remorse driven from such actions from everyone and only a few will confess what they will of such actions as Faiths as she took advantage of her younger sisters unconditional love, trust and loyalty toward her and turned it against her? Remorse then brings the action of honesty in which creates growth in maturity and success in the individual. When the remorse is forgiven and can bring a wholesome outcome upon relationships such as with these two sisters, the possibility for enriching long lasting relationships is the inevitable.
“Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent. Remorse is closely allied to guilt and self-directed resentment. When a person regrets an earlier action or failure to act, it may be because of remorse or in response to various other consequences, including being punished for the act or omission. In a legal context, the perceived remorse of an offender is assessed by Western justice systems during trials, sentencing, parole hearings, and in restorative justice. However, it has been pointed out that epistemological problems arise in assessing an offender's level of remorse.[1]
A person who is incapable of feeling remorse is often labeled a sociopath (US) or psychopath (UK) - formerly a DSM III condition. In general, a person needs to be unable to feel fear, as well as remorse in order to develop psychopathic traits. Legal and business professions such as insurance have done research on the expression of remorse via apologies, primarily because of the potential litigation and financial implications.” Wikipedia. O'Hear, Michael M. (1996-1997).
Example three of a remorseful outcome: Let us use the two sisters again Faith and Joy. They are adults living in Chicago as far as possible from each other, one living way up north near Evanston, IL and the other one living a few blocks east of Michigan Ave. after a living together for one year in a house bought buy their parents didn’t pan out. While living at home under the rules of mother and father, Faith and Joys living experience together turned out to be a lot harder than they have dreamed of being.
They had different lifestyles, Faith was unorganized, Joy was neat. Faith liked to read and have quiet time alone, Joy was out late hanging out with friends. One night the sisters violently fought about the living arrangement, Joy was drunk, and Faith called the police frightened and confused. Faith moved out the next morning as Joy had ordered a moving service to pick up her older sisters belongings. Remorse brings these sisters together today together through written letters, weekly text messaging, and short visits between the struggles of work and family matters. Faith, being older attempts to reach out to her sister more than Joy seems to and sometimes they go see a play together while enjoying dinner with their parents from time to time. Joy and Faith work with each other in healing from the hurt, and betrayal of their relationship as Joy worked long hours and feels at times she has to take care of her older sister who is working from part-time job to part-time job just to pay her bills and searching for the start of a career for financial freedom and independence. As these sisters lifestyles conflict they still have found time to forgive and have remorse for each other. Things may not work out the way they want them to, but through treatment programs dealing with anxiety and substance abuse Faith and Joy know that being happy in what they do is priority for them.
Tears still fill up Faiths eyes when she thinks of that night they fought in the house that was remodeled for them by their parents. She knows that the core issues of their life are much more important in correcting than the outside misconduct they have long trudged through growing up as two sisters ordinary and just in every way with friends, family, and dreams. Forgiveness in this case between Faith and Joy is an example of the possible outcome of remorse in a family relationship.
June 4-10; Remorse Story
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: June 11, 1995
Published: June 11, 1995
(Chinese characters), it appears, means never having to say you're sorry.
“After months of debate, Japan's lower house of Parliament passed a resolution last week intended to show remorse for Japan's conduct during World War II. But in the end it seemed to show as much ambivalence as anything. An apology was excised from the draft, because the Liberal Democratic Party, the country's largest, would not support that. Instead, the resolution ended up saying that lots of countries did unpleasant things during the war, and that Japan expresses "hansei" for the things it did.
"Hansei" is a vague term that can mean remorse or reflection or self-examination. It can be used for serious offenses, or for something minor like being late to school regularly.
For Asian countries like South Korea and China, the Parliament's difficulty in expressing contrition meant something more: it was one more sign of Japan's difficulty in coming to terms with its past.” NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF New York Times July 11, 1995.
In conclusion, remorse is an emotion that signifies an individual’s responsibilities and conduct in society. As in the example above with the two sisters Faith and Joy you can see that remorse is unrestrained by time. Lessons learned of actions displayed in the examples above provided a glimpse into the development of youth and maturity. Yet it comes to no surprise to see the misconduct of adults in court for crimes unspeakable without remorse, and the consequences as stated somewhat above in the definition of remorse in opposition to those criminals who have been found to have such an emotion as remorse and practice its value.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hoopla
What am I doing home today? I came here where not a sound is stirring in this big house made of warm wood and beige tile. There is five floors and when the house was bought dad said the place was called a quad. Then he built another floor so its called a quint. A tri-level doesn't have a basement. Wood frame floors, with porseline tile which is better than ceramic because they raise the temperature another 200 degrees when they made the tile.
Pergo floors are on the top level and a few leather ottomons. There is a wood burner in the second to the lower level of the house. Today I will have to finish a interview on film. Its for an island assignment and I've done this before where I went to an island to learn about resort properties. We tasted every dish, walked through every suite, ocean front room, and toured the lobbies, excursions, and beach. Today was also my first day of zumba and salsa dancing. I don't feel any different so if the calories were wacked off they are back on from my food addictions. Maybe waiting a few weeks will help to see the zumba results on body.
I made myself a dish of dried cranberries, cherry pie filling, milk, and ccrushed fortune cookies. I call it the "Red Berry Supreme" after mom was baffled about why I was eating so much sugar at this late hour. I forgot to mention that I through in a splash of vanilla extract and a few pinches of cinnamon which didn't taste so good. Later I added asian sesame rice noodles, almonds, and sesame sticks to the experiment. Again, not so good.
I woke up with a dream this morning of a man I used to know who was sitting across from me while we were at some national park eating across from each other at a picnic table. His eyes were kind but stern and looking right at me to get me attention I assume. I don't know its a dream, only a dream The dream startled me so sharply that I woke up with his face indented in my mind for the rest of the morning.
Pergo floors are on the top level and a few leather ottomons. There is a wood burner in the second to the lower level of the house. Today I will have to finish a interview on film. Its for an island assignment and I've done this before where I went to an island to learn about resort properties. We tasted every dish, walked through every suite, ocean front room, and toured the lobbies, excursions, and beach. Today was also my first day of zumba and salsa dancing. I don't feel any different so if the calories were wacked off they are back on from my food addictions. Maybe waiting a few weeks will help to see the zumba results on body.
I made myself a dish of dried cranberries, cherry pie filling, milk, and ccrushed fortune cookies. I call it the "Red Berry Supreme" after mom was baffled about why I was eating so much sugar at this late hour. I forgot to mention that I through in a splash of vanilla extract and a few pinches of cinnamon which didn't taste so good. Later I added asian sesame rice noodles, almonds, and sesame sticks to the experiment. Again, not so good.
I woke up with a dream this morning of a man I used to know who was sitting across from me while we were at some national park eating across from each other at a picnic table. His eyes were kind but stern and looking right at me to get me attention I assume. I don't know its a dream, only a dream The dream startled me so sharply that I woke up with his face indented in my mind for the rest of the morning.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
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Monday, January 31, 2011
DUI :Eight years later.
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The remorse builds inside as the hearts break all around sweet family and friends. It was 2001 in a small home town of Highland, IN. It felt like prom night but it was Halloween night. The night led on without an end. Maybe it was a blackout. There is no recollection ofl the stages that led up to a conscious surrounding of a dim room with one window on the fifth or sixth level of a hospital.
The only concern was for the driver. One shaved head and two surgeries later and crawling to get out of that place; eight years is what it took to be grateful to be alive. Sorting out the choices made is another chapter. Considering having written this paragraph several times in the past eight year, wouldn't it make it easier to get to the next line? Maybe not. Another year to decide which audience to keep in mind for the next few lines is a good start whether it be the injured, the driving and drinking people, or for those who love all the above.
Ten years later sitting with a group of adolescents who have their whole lives ahead of them tired and hungover from the night before and throwing up during the meeting, acting up in all kind of bizarre ways was something of a wake up call. Time was passing by. The message that I got was clear as day light that I if I was going to do one thing right with this group of youths then it would be to set an example for them, it was the least I could do a during that year.
As talks of partying, late night boozing, and just youths being youths became more and more conversation habit it became further from entertaining or just a bunch of youths having fun, it became a concern that was growing. And soon enough I was listening to youths just over twenty well one youth who was having a birthday party for his twenty first birthday. The next time I seen him he had dyed his hair another color and I could only be there. When you feel for these kids that is what you can do, be there for them and hope that they are safe and smarter than you imagine as you see bruises and wounds that they can't remember themselves from nights out drinking.
The remorse builds inside as the hearts break all around sweet family and friends. It was 2001 in a small home town of Highland, IN. It felt like prom night but it was Halloween night. The night led on without an end. Maybe it was a blackout. There is no recollection ofl the stages that led up to a conscious surrounding of a dim room with one window on the fifth or sixth level of a hospital.
The only concern was for the driver. One shaved head and two surgeries later and crawling to get out of that place; eight years is what it took to be grateful to be alive. Sorting out the choices made is another chapter. Considering having written this paragraph several times in the past eight year, wouldn't it make it easier to get to the next line? Maybe not. Another year to decide which audience to keep in mind for the next few lines is a good start whether it be the injured, the driving and drinking people, or for those who love all the above.
Ten years later sitting with a group of adolescents who have their whole lives ahead of them tired and hungover from the night before and throwing up during the meeting, acting up in all kind of bizarre ways was something of a wake up call. Time was passing by. The message that I got was clear as day light that I if I was going to do one thing right with this group of youths then it would be to set an example for them, it was the least I could do a during that year.
As talks of partying, late night boozing, and just youths being youths became more and more conversation habit it became further from entertaining or just a bunch of youths having fun, it became a concern that was growing. And soon enough I was listening to youths just over twenty well one youth who was having a birthday party for his twenty first birthday. The next time I seen him he had dyed his hair another color and I could only be there. When you feel for these kids that is what you can do, be there for them and hope that they are safe and smarter than you imagine as you see bruises and wounds that they can't remember themselves from nights out drinking.
When I was twenty three I told myself I would continue to drink until I was thirty in which was the year I would have a baby and get married. There was a deal I made with my self that I kept, except for the baby and marriage part though. At twenty I was drinking my first drinks of gin and orange juice, and wine coolers every day.
After I turned twenty one I began to drink fruity alcohols in lavish restaurants and in fancy little glasses with stems. My parents were so proud of my college studying and grades that they gave me extra spending money after books and class supplies were spent. That money went to bottles of gin, whiskey red and black labels, fruit filled vodkas with trendy labels, and last but not least cigarettes.
When the pressures of balancing classes and getting a job came into action my partying escalated as my way of celebrating at the bars or in the garages of the party. When the pressure of school work, tests, deadlines, work hours, and having time for family and friends became more common so did the drinking. When I drank it cooled things down, it made me forget the failed tests, the impossible deadlines of homework, the future plans becoming a graduate, the best employee, girlfriend, friend, sister, and daughter, anything that you wanted.
When I sat at my first day of my job at a travel agency hangovers were normal, pounding headaches, and late night drinking at the local bars were what I thought the only thing I had left after my break up with my college sweet heart, my high school sweet heart, and getting fired from different jobs in retail. Drinking was my escape from what I wasn’t doing like getting better grades and doing what it takes to keep relationships because I was told and took it the wrong way, that “the sky is the limit, and the grass is greener on the other side. I was told that I was young and had my whole life ahead of me and not to settle for second best.
Feeling like I wasn’t doing that bad at my grades, and was going on dates before settling down and trying new things and having fun that drinking wasn’t my problem. I was never a quitter of things and school was one thing I put all my effort and time in and my boyfriend. My parents were very busy trying to get my sister on her feet from her troubles and I kept my nose out of trouble with them. My drinking never seemed out of order, and I was a good student, girlfriend, daughter, employee, friend, and at the time it didn’t matter until in 2001 of October I had a drinking and driving accident. The driver was careless and we were both partying too hard at a wedding and then for Halloween at a handful of costume parties.
My family and very close friends warned me as much as they could, and then that night on our way home from just another romantic night in my mind we were both very drunk and caught up in all the fun and celebration and he hit a tree. I never thought that for a moment I could be out of control or disorderly in any way until that night in a hospital bed. All my studying, dreams of a future of getting married, having kids, graduating, working in my field of public management slowed down.
The injuries my body had at twenty one didn’t seem to matter because when I was told I was able to go home, I went back to my normal way of life. I dreamed of changing but I also knew things took time. When I was twenty three I told myself I would continue to drink until I was thirty in which was the year I would have a baby and get married. There was a deal I made with my self that I kept, except for the baby and marriage part though. At twenty I was drinking my first drinks of gin and orange juice, and wine coolers every day.
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